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16 April 2014 @ 11:18 pm

I don't even know why I'm on here...after all these years. I suppose it's almost funny in a way that on a lonely day in April, I've been brought back here by some means or another after all this time. I don't even think any of my old friends are still on here and if some are, they've long forgotten about me by now. I guess despite all the other confabulated forms of social-networking, I still haven't been able to express myself through either of them. I use DA for my art, Facebook for my friends and professional purposes, Linkedin & Freelancer for jobs, Tumblr for the world and it's stupidity I suppose, but somehow, still, I don't use a solitary one of those for just...me.

I have a professional name now and some people actually know me out there in the world so I suppose I've had this nagging fear of expressing myself fully to anyone, through any site. I guess some people use their family for that. I could perhaps go on and on as to why, but let's just simply state: that's not my family. I'm writing here today because I'm lonely. I've been lonely for awhile I know. I left Switzerland after my working visa came to a close and its left me a bit hollow inside. I didn't think the transition would be easy, nor did I think it would be this difficult either. I had expected to be back to the drawing board, back to square one of trying to pick up the pieces after living and working in one of the most beautiful (in my mind, the most beautiful) place in the world, to being in frozen Canada and having no one: no job, no friends, no 'home'...nothing.

That was me last April. Now I'm studying my craft, the study of my dreams and life's work: fashion design, at the most brilliant academy I've ever seen; I'm with my family, however broken and pieced and at least have a couple 'affiliations' ,if you will, here in Canada now and yet...as ungrateful as it sounds: I'm still unhappy. I’m sure much of it has to do with the fact I still miss Switzerland but if I asked myself two years ago, when I was there, if I was happy, I probably would’ve still nodded my head but then would make a petty complaint like ‘Well sort of, well I miss my family…’ or something to that effect. It’s like I utterly hate myself sometimes because I’m sitting there thinking to myself…I just can’t be satisfied no matter how many things go right. Some part of me has grown to believe most humans will never be satisfied…after all even Adam was lonely in paradise. I feel no different sometimes.

There’s a small little voice in me that wants to convince myself that I would be happy if only I could meet that special someone, a partner to share my life with, but then I sit there and laugh at myself for amusing such childish fantasies. After all my family’s been through, how my mother’s suffered and she and many of my friends go from one abusive partner to the next…I think to myself: I’d be happier shooting myself in the head. And yet although people think I rarely cry, I have sleepless nights every other night where I cry myself to sleep. I have odd patches of depression where people and family ask me “What’s wrong?” and I can’t even say, or can I? I had a dream like many I suppose, of growing up and marrying someone and having children and raising a family. For me these used to be priority goals but at 23 years of age and having never been asked on a date, never been kissed and never having a person show the slightest interest in me whatsoever…I’ve come to believe such things are a far-off fantasy that can never be achieved.

I wish I wasn’t like this, I wish I didn’t feel like this. I just don’t want to feel empty anymore. It feels like no matter what I achieve, what I strive to do, what I excel at, I’ll still come back home to nothing. I wish I could just be happy on my own, but after nearly 10 years of praying it to be so, I simply feel like it’s impossible.

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
19 April 2010 @ 11:32 pm
Man, how long has it been since I've been on here, a YEAR?! Sorry guys, I've decided really not to post anymore on LJ. It's just I really never posted a lot anyway and I'm just far too busy now to keep it up but I'd like to thank all my friends and talented people on here for your support in the past, I just feel livejournal doesn't serve a real purpose for me as it once had. Anyway, to carry out an old tradition; the celebration of an artistic muse and inspiration of mine: Hayden Christensen. Best of luck Hayden, and many happy birthday wishes! WOw 29 already! I can't believe... slow down so I can catch up! I still want you to be in one of my films! XD 
Well, to Hayden Christensen! *holds up a glass of Canada Dry* Best of luck to everyone and God bless!

And to keep true to another tradition; a wallpaper for everyone:

If anyone wants to know where I'm at, you know where I'll be: kvdoglover.deviantart.com/

Current Location: the desk...
Current Mood: sleepy solemn
09 March 2010 @ 01:44 pm
Fooling around with photos, Darius and I made this today.
Current Mood: blahblah
08 February 2010 @ 10:21 pm
Saw this quote on one of the promotional posters and made a wallpaper out of it. Poor Ani...um, Anakin. ^_^;

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Walking in the Air- Alad Jones
01 February 2010 @ 06:58 pm

So proud of you Rog, I really can't express. We experienced some inspirational tennis this Australian Open and we wish you all the best for the rest of the year!
Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
Current Music: Beautiful Day- U2
20 December 2009 @ 12:16 am
Been awhile since I posted graphics of anything Star Wars... 

Current Mood: busybusy
Current Music: Flower Duet- Charlotte Church
14 December 2009 @ 12:07 am

A belated Happy Birthday, hope it was a good one! :D
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
08 December 2009 @ 01:46 am
Hey Everybody!
How's everyone been doing? Just finished coloring up an old sketch I did while back. (Don't ask me why I'm still up working on this) Over all, I'm okay with how it turned out. I missed the last couple of episodes of Robin Hood due to bad weather and our cable box stopped working. Is anyone else a fan of the show? I love it. ^_^ And I know it's still early but in case I forget, I hope everyone has a happy holidays! Stay safe :)

Current Location: Uh, the computer...
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Too Close for Comfort_ Mel Torme
01 November 2009 @ 01:18 am

Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Love Story meets Viva la Vida- Jon Schmidt
14 September 2009 @ 10:36 am
  to sith_romantic !! *throws confetti*


Don't know if you've seen these but I thought they were pretty awesome:



Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic